


The Best Part of Waking Up

by TheRoyalPrussianArmy



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Betrayal, Can be read as gen or slash, Fluff, Folger's Commercial, Gen, Humor, M/M, Merr Chrithmath, slight crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-01
Updated: 2017-12-01
Packaged: 2019-02-09 02:26:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12878211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRoyalPrussianArmy/pseuds/TheRoyalPrussianArmy
Summary: Is not Folger's. It's not. Folger's is the stuff of nightmares for Todd, especially come Christmas. Dammit Dirk.





	The Best Part of Waking Up

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this sitting for like two months now because I remembered the commercial and had to pound it out. And now, the time has come for it to be birthed.
> 
> The bane of Todd's coffee existence can be found here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZnqBL6iYjA

Mornings were tough on Todd. He'd ruined his sleep schedule back in highschool and never even tried to get it back on track. It had worked well enough during his band days, when they slept till noon and then drank beer and practiced until three am. When the band had broken up he'd made some effort to put himself on some sort of schedule. Sleeping in until noon and then wandering out of bed with one hand scratching his butt and the other reaching for the coffee machine wasn't acceptable anymore. He had to get up, get his coffee, and run through the door so he wouldn't be late.

 

If there was anything in his life that was consistent, it was his lack of sleep schedule and his near addiction to caffeinated bean water. Naturally, they'd both begun around the same time. It became well known to everyone who knew him, throughout the years, that one did not simply get between Todd and his first cup of the morning. He really could not be held responsible for what he said then. More than fifteen years out of high school, he was the same. So that Dirk had picked up on it was no surprise. The man jumped between sleeping in until three pm to waking up at six am and going to sleep at eight, always waking up quickly. There never seemed to be any rhyme or reason to it. But when he was awake before Todd, and camping out in his apartment for whatever the reason was that day, he knew to keep idle chatter to a minimum until Todd had some caffeine in him.

 

Being the absolute troll that Dirk unfortunately was, there were certain things that soon came to light by way of coffee, commercials, and memes.

 

Todd first noticed a change in the taste of his coffee. Todd normally bought whatever bargain brand he could find, so when the taste changed to something a bit richer (better, if he was being honest) he was a bit surprised. He didn't argue, though. Especially since Dirk was the one making the coffee when Todd showed signs of waking up. He seemed to be waiting for something, and if Todd had been more awake he might have noticed or been suspicious of it. By the time his brain was online enough to register the threat, it had disappeared.

 

The next thing to change was a red canister with a black lid appearing in his miniscule pantry. The label was constantly ripped off, so he couldn't tell what it was, but it smelled like coffee grounds and at this point if Dirk wanted to kill him he had the ability and the means to do so. Todd would probably thank him if it was before the morning coffee, honestly. Todd couldn't help but feel as though he'd seen the coffee can somewhere before, but he really couldn't remember why. Every time he saw it a prickle of unease ran down his spine, raising goose flesh across his neck. He did his best to avoid the canister.

 

Eventually the reason for the change in coffee was made known. With only so much patience, and Christmas being the perfect time to do so, Dirk played his hand. That he waited long enough for Todd to go through seven canisters (it was a little over a month and some weeks- coffee might kill him one day, but that would be okay) was some sort of miraculous build up. He had clearly been planning this for a bit because there was a camera in his hand and a wide grin on his face. Dirk had his phone in hand, something pulled up on YouTube, and the canister of coffee out on the counter. There was a second person in the kitchen with him. Dark haired and grinning widely, holding something. This time with the label on the coffee can. Too asleep to notice, Todd whined as Dirk got closer.

 

“No, not now. It's too early, fuck off.” He grumbled. He put his cup under the dispenser and sighed happily as the smell hit his nostrils. Dirk was humming a tune that wiggled something in his repressed memories, but it didn't hit him yet. The other person walked over to Todd and… Patted him on the chest? Coffee in cup and in hand, he sat down at the table and relished in the smell of it. He got two sips before he suddenly stopped.

 

He knew that tune. He knew that coffee can. He knew that person. He knew exactly what had just been put on his chest.

 

“You’re my present this year.” Amanda said brightly.

 

Todd turned to Dirk, looking absolutely betrayed.

 

“What have you done?” He asked with the hoarse voice of an over-dramatic villain who had just been defeated using four words to hide their hour long speech, malice deep within the words. Dirk didn't even blink. Beside him, Amanda was smirking like a cat who had gotten two canaries with cream on top. Dirk set his phone down in front of Todd and hit play.

 

Snow. Car. Girl at the door. Jingle.

 

It linked almost immediately in Todd's mind. 

 

“No!” He shouted, pushing back so fast and hard from the table that he knocked the chair over. The sudden volume didn't surprise Dirk or Amanda. They must have been expecting it. “No! No! How could you!?”

 

 _The Folgers commercial._ Todd still had nightmares come Christmas of it being him and Amanda. He could still remember her grin when she had showed him the commercial. The implications hadn't hit him at first, he had thought it was a cute jingle and a nice enough commercial. After seeing the phrase “the best part of waking up is incest in your cup” they hit him like a freight train going through wet cardboard. He had sworn off Folgers for life after the first nightmare. It haunted him, year after year, and Amanda never let it die. With her being hooked up with the Rowdy 3 this year, Todd thought he would have been home free. He should have known better.

 

Dirk was holding onto the wall laughing and Amanda was hunched over on the counter as Todd scrambled up, holding onto the counter and wailing about betrayal, useless friends, and horrible siblings.

 

“The best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup!” Dirk and Amanda said in tandem. It was horrifying. Almost as bad as that damn commercial.

 

Todd made a break for the door- snow outside and flannel bottoms be damned.

**Author's Note:**

> Fun fact! There is a fanfic section on AO3 for the commercial!
> 
> Find it here http://archiveofourown.org/tags/Folgers%20%22Home%20for%20the%20Holidays%22%20Commercial/works


End file.
